As of this time, I still can’t figure out why I have a feeling of slowly drawing myself into a downward spiral of professional suicide. I had the same sentiment during my first week in my first job 5 years ago. And for 5 consecutive years, I’ve already proven myself dexterously proficient both in and out field work. Now, I’m back to where I started, resting in my comfort zone. Why am I unsatisfied of what I have now? Or what I’ve become?
There’s a lot more of me that need to be challenged and I have yet to vanquish over the mediocre life I’m at. I dare myself to move and I am now equipping myself to conquer new heights. For years, I’ve been imprisoned by doubts, hesitations and my fear of failure. At the age of 25, (yes, I am now quarter of a hundred, and probably half of my earth years) I must say I’ve gained enough experiences to be bold enough to face my fears. I’ve had all those moments of being rebuffed by a horde of overwhelming thoughts and emotions and left me cold dead in track. I’ve had enough of “what if’s”. I have lived with lots of regrets. And I’m hell sick of it!
And my pang of guilt is even regretful by justifying my inaction by convincing myself that it was better to have played it safe anyway. I realized that I denied the fact that my life has been dictated by a fear of change because there's a lot of uncertainty that comes with change and there's lack of feeling in control. Paradoxically, I love peculiarity and mysteries. Now, that hits me bull’s eye! I always believed that I am rowing my boat as I want it and that I have a complete domination of my life --- that I am responsible of my actions and the consequences of it. I’m wrong. I realized I am just playing it safe all along. Just that.
Fear keeps me from what I really want, so I’m in reality, not in control. Instead, I’m being controlled ... by fear. And that is why there are lots of things I regret --- much of those that I didn’t dare doing. Now, you think I am ready for a challenge by playing safe? That perhaps answers my question. I am NOT, and not until I’m bold enough to face my fear of failure. I have a choice. And I chose to step beyond fear into the unknown and to create the kind of life I desire to live. Right now, I’ve decided to no longer let fear dictate my life.
While this is certainly much easier said than done, the fact is that the more I practice stepping out in fear, the closer I get to becoming a master of change, and that is the only time when I’ll be able to live life more fully, one that I always dreamed of. I need to figure out both what I really want and what is keeping me from getting it! And that is, negativity, pessimism and rejection, not to forget hurtful criticisms.
Yes, negative thoughts are the culprit; I always misconceive hopes and dreams. I have to let go of this hopeless ideals. I just need to accept what is there, and give myself the permission and authority to overcome any thoughts that get in the way I want.
Now, you might be thinking that it’s another reflection … just a mere contemplation while daydreaming during lonesome hours. I am guilty as charged. Lots of times that I completely made up my mind about something after mulling over it for hours and hours only to change my mind at the last second because of one recurring negative thought! Grrr! I honestly need to get over it! Dare me, I dare you too! There are also times that someone else dictated my choices and held me back from going after what I truly want and deserve. Oooh … I still have quality friends despite that.
Not only that I need to quiet the chatter of my thoughts but also the chatter of other's, as we always seek for someone’s advice or take on what we think of. There are many moments that require courage over sensibility. To face fear is to live in line with what matters most to us and giving ourselves the permission to thrive in life by stepping out of our comfort zone. And no doubt, that it requires us to take huge leaps of faith; leaps that make sense to no one but ourselves.
Deciding what you desire most for your life can be a difficult pursuit, I’ve gone through that stage, I now know what I want and I’m decided to work on it. Whatever both excites and scares me is exactly what I should do -- as long as it doesn't cause harm to others and even to me. I now dare myself to move.