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A Piece of Me

This entry was posted November of last year. These are the times where I’m in my deepest solitude and lowest point in life. Times when I had series of suicidal thoughts knowing that I’m useless and do not exist at all.

Here it goes:

A Piece of Me
November 16, 2008
Source: (!D3047489E412F4D!115.entry)

“ It has been 4 months since my resignation from work and even up to this time, I am still subdued to rubbish heavens.

In retrospect, I found myself stuck in a passive and non-existent milieu … I still don’t know where I’m at and why I’m there.

Slowly, I am loosing my worth.

This is completely not me. And I hate myself for not even recognizing it, justly.
I’ve done things not of my own will and accord, abused and loathe my soul.

Mimicked and pretended I’m superbly well, flouted what I feel inside … peculiarly different from the voices within and the thoughts concealed in to vindicate this burlesque delineation of psychosomatic struggle inside.

Irrevocably, I gave up this part and I know that things will change.

I’ve already accepted my inhibitions, failures, muddled lapses and misdemeanors.
More to this realization, I dare myself to move.
Fearless and fierce.

No more poignant emotions

… No more melancholic reveries
… Enough of dreary sentiments.

I need not to pick up lost pieces … what’s gone is gone.
After all, I have much more to offer.

And I am yet to give a piece of me. “

Over the past few months, I slowly groomed up to be a better person, much better than what I’ve used to. I’ve fully embraced my new beginning – a part in each of us that liberates us from past “mistakes”, that doesn’t know all the answer to an easy question (and is fine with that), that does irrational things out of absurd ideas.

I just can’t believe how emancipated I feel right now. Everyone, I believe, should give themselves the chance to revisit the part of their lives that feels a bit odd, that makes them wish it were somehow different, contemplate, and then dare yourself to move, make changes. In no part in a person’s life is that possible than adulthood. Now is the time for us to fix what’s broken and to make up for our unfettered chances.

I realize that the reason I as so resentful of my past decisions and defensive about my parents’ and other people’s expectations of me was that they merely mirrored my own impossibly high expectations of myself. I couldn’t stand their disappointment with me because I myself couldn’t bear disappointment. I needed to find a way to be benevolent to myself, more sympathetic and conforming-- more than I already thought I am.

I am repulsed by question like, “So what are your plans?” It’s been always deceitful, like a bomb that could go off any moment. You can never tell how to answer it in such a way that would satiate the bearing of the matter. I never knew how to negotiate it. It made me feel that the life I was having at the moment wasn’t satisfactory and that having plans—future prospects—was going to make it so. So then I’d resort to going over my plans, my dreams, and say they asked for the “How?” or I’d feel cornered, I’ll end up saying, “In any ways, In perfect time” … “Bahala na si Batman!”

And to excuse myself of killer expectations —instead of vindicating my less conceivable dreams, I’d defensively say “Que sera sera” (Whatever will be, will be), upholding the adage ”Murphy’s Law” or let’s just say, just to play it safe. With that in their minds, I am conceptualizing an image of a successful me, chuckling.

My world has really opened up for me in ways that I had only wistfully imagined for years. More than ever, I feel that the life I’ve always wanted for myself is gradually turning into a reality. I am now ever grateful of the extreme changes happened to me.

Thanks be to GOD!

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